Thanks for this, Mar! I’ve seen a lot of conversation online recently about (to quote Mary Harrington) the “pornography of the self,” with folks saying things like “strangers on the internet do not care about you,” and “why do people feel the desperate need to feel ‘seen’ online?” in response to (mainly moms) sharing their personal feelings and experiences on the internet. These sentiments felt harsh, and I don’t really agree with them -- I mean, why do we read memoir? Why do we listen to music that speaks to us? Connection! Because discovering someone else is going through something similar helps us to feel less alone. I think your newsletter is an oppositional testament to those sentiments up there: you have managed to grow a community of people on the internet who *do* seem to care about you, and each other :)
Still, I am thinking about the way I show up online and how to walk that line of sharing personally without oversharing and feeling gutted, and how to protect the tenderness of the things I share on here.
I had been off Instagram for a few months, too, and when I go back on I see it in such a different way. Like everyone is speaking some strange internet language for laughs, likes, and instigation. When I went back on I instantly hated it. I am growing my substack mostly from the ground up, though, and that’s been slow, of course. Sometimes I wonder if I should hop back on social media to promote it, but I also find myself shying away from that because it makes me feel too “seen.”
Anyways, just some disorganized rambling, but I appreciated this today!
Next week on Common Shapes I talk about this a bit but I love Melissa Febos' essay in Body Work - In Praise of Navel Gazing. Its sooooo good. And Dizzy notes this below but yes I think the judgement is really rooted in misogyny.
And I really relate to feeling too seen, but also ... wanting to be seen .... what a wild loop!
Your comment really resonates with me! Like many of us, I love reading personal essays to get a sneak peek into how other people think and experience the world, and some of the criticism about "not wanting to hear about your life" feels very wrapped up in misogyny. It seems to be aimed at mothers and young women in particular.
I also love how Mar reminds us that we can choose how much to share and not share, what to keep to yourself especially when a writer has a big enough of a following that parasocial relationships start to become a very real part of the work.
interestingly these were mom-to-mom exchanges! Idk i think we (people, not just moms) spend so much of our day to day lives in small-talk-territory that we crave depth and meaning and connection and validation through these other avenues. And yes totally, I imagine it just gets harder and harder when your livelihood starts to depend on your vulnerability and external processing!
This reminds me of how critical people were (and are) of food blogs with personal essay style preambles before the recipe. I personally always loved those blogs and was invested in the personal stories as much as the food. I guess you just have to find your people. Also, this makes me think I should take a break from social too.
Good point! There is plenty of guarding and performance and detachment online-- I think we can use as much humanity as we can get! And, I’m subscribing to your newsletter because I love food :)
Yessss. And you know maybe it doesn't require leaving for everyone. I just know it did for me, and it's been really fascinating to see how much bolder and braver I am with my sharing around all thing personal, poetic, practical, and political!
This is so rad Mar. I just launched my newsletter,Mirror Mirror, with the direction of your skillshare class. It’s an evolving newsletter but essentially personal essays informed by my experience as a hairdresser and what it’s been like scaling back considerably to live abroad and try other creative things I never made time for when I was hustling behind the chair. I wish I could take this class but I will in fact be working in the salon in December. I hope you’ll do it again!
I love the analogy of the sweater that is turning out too baggy. I made a dress yesterday that was tighter than I wanted it to be, and I was bummed about it, but then I realized I had measured myself but not measured the pattern. I made the dress correctly, it just wasn't what I wanted. Which led me to think: what do I want? I don't want to wear a tight dress (even if it is made out of t-shirt material), so what do I want? And how do I make it? I am frankly totally obsessed with what we learn about ourselves and the world when we make things, and especially when what we have at the end isn't what we thought we'd have when we started.
wow! thank you so much for sharing the link to the art of. i won't say i felt jealous reading those, but rather had my mind expanded to / reminded of what is possible - esp having recently moved to a new place and looking for my people here - and that is all "what i want more of, what i don't have yet".
Marlee, thank you for helping me plant the first seeds of intention for this Scorpio New Moon. I woke up this morning to focus on the major shifts I’m making in my work, and how I’m showing up with my art in the world. Your email came through, and it was so aligned with where I’m at in this moment that I felt a crackling of fire building in my body. Just signed up for your class, and I can’t wait to spend these Sundays with you! <3
Thanks for this, Mar! I’ve seen a lot of conversation online recently about (to quote Mary Harrington) the “pornography of the self,” with folks saying things like “strangers on the internet do not care about you,” and “why do people feel the desperate need to feel ‘seen’ online?” in response to (mainly moms) sharing their personal feelings and experiences on the internet. These sentiments felt harsh, and I don’t really agree with them -- I mean, why do we read memoir? Why do we listen to music that speaks to us? Connection! Because discovering someone else is going through something similar helps us to feel less alone. I think your newsletter is an oppositional testament to those sentiments up there: you have managed to grow a community of people on the internet who *do* seem to care about you, and each other :)
Still, I am thinking about the way I show up online and how to walk that line of sharing personally without oversharing and feeling gutted, and how to protect the tenderness of the things I share on here.
I had been off Instagram for a few months, too, and when I go back on I see it in such a different way. Like everyone is speaking some strange internet language for laughs, likes, and instigation. When I went back on I instantly hated it. I am growing my substack mostly from the ground up, though, and that’s been slow, of course. Sometimes I wonder if I should hop back on social media to promote it, but I also find myself shying away from that because it makes me feel too “seen.”
Anyways, just some disorganized rambling, but I appreciated this today!
Next week on Common Shapes I talk about this a bit but I love Melissa Febos' essay in Body Work - In Praise of Navel Gazing. Its sooooo good. And Dizzy notes this below but yes I think the judgement is really rooted in misogyny.
And I really relate to feeling too seen, but also ... wanting to be seen .... what a wild loop!
Your comment really resonates with me! Like many of us, I love reading personal essays to get a sneak peek into how other people think and experience the world, and some of the criticism about "not wanting to hear about your life" feels very wrapped up in misogyny. It seems to be aimed at mothers and young women in particular.
I also love how Mar reminds us that we can choose how much to share and not share, what to keep to yourself especially when a writer has a big enough of a following that parasocial relationships start to become a very real part of the work.
interestingly these were mom-to-mom exchanges! Idk i think we (people, not just moms) spend so much of our day to day lives in small-talk-territory that we crave depth and meaning and connection and validation through these other avenues. And yes totally, I imagine it just gets harder and harder when your livelihood starts to depend on your vulnerability and external processing!
This reminds me of how critical people were (and are) of food blogs with personal essay style preambles before the recipe. I personally always loved those blogs and was invested in the personal stories as much as the food. I guess you just have to find your people. Also, this makes me think I should take a break from social too.
Ugh wow yes I would so much rather read a personal essay WITH a recipe than just a recipe!
Good point! There is plenty of guarding and performance and detachment online-- I think we can use as much humanity as we can get! And, I’m subscribing to your newsletter because I love food :)
Aw thank you! So glad to connect. I guess I don’t have to warn you that it’s more personal essays than food hehe
“Since leaving Instagram I have found that my writing and expression feels bolder, more myself, less afraid of what other people think of me.”
I feel this too. But I’ve not quite left... I’m letting go slowly... I feel stronger reading your essays 🫶🏻
Yessss. And you know maybe it doesn't require leaving for everyone. I just know it did for me, and it's been really fascinating to see how much bolder and braver I am with my sharing around all thing personal, poetic, practical, and political!
This is so rad Mar. I just launched my newsletter,Mirror Mirror, with the direction of your skillshare class. It’s an evolving newsletter but essentially personal essays informed by my experience as a hairdresser and what it’s been like scaling back considerably to live abroad and try other creative things I never made time for when I was hustling behind the chair. I wish I could take this class but I will in fact be working in the salon in December. I hope you’ll do it again!
omg what an excellent name for a newsletter about your experience as a hairdresser! yes!
Thank you. It was fun brainstorming with the workbook from the class. :)
I love the analogy of the sweater that is turning out too baggy. I made a dress yesterday that was tighter than I wanted it to be, and I was bummed about it, but then I realized I had measured myself but not measured the pattern. I made the dress correctly, it just wasn't what I wanted. Which led me to think: what do I want? I don't want to wear a tight dress (even if it is made out of t-shirt material), so what do I want? And how do I make it? I am frankly totally obsessed with what we learn about ourselves and the world when we make things, and especially when what we have at the end isn't what we thought we'd have when we started.
wow! thank you so much for sharing the link to the art of. i won't say i felt jealous reading those, but rather had my mind expanded to / reminded of what is possible - esp having recently moved to a new place and looking for my people here - and that is all "what i want more of, what i don't have yet".
Marlee, thank you for helping me plant the first seeds of intention for this Scorpio New Moon. I woke up this morning to focus on the major shifts I’m making in my work, and how I’m showing up with my art in the world. Your email came through, and it was so aligned with where I’m at in this moment that I felt a crackling of fire building in my body. Just signed up for your class, and I can’t wait to spend these Sundays with you! <3