Logged off and tuned in
The rules we make and the rules we break
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A month ago I set out to log off of Instagram for two months while I hosted Flexible Office, the experimental digital co-working space I host a few times a year.
This isn’t my first “social media break” rodeo. In 2021 I deactivated my account for four months and often share about how I made more money in that time than I had in many other thirds of a year WITH Instagram. I have taken many breaks, made a million rules for myself, and given over my password to more than one virtual assistant in hopes of finding some sort of middle ground with my codependent relationship to my phone and social media.
This month long break has been like no other. In the past, if I am honest - I missed it. I missed the drug of the slot machine nature of the app so much I would make burner accounts just to get the high. I would think about it all the time, counting down the days until I could return. Never for work, never for social connection, always for the drug.
Perhaps it is the new meds I am on1, the way my life has settled into itself, the impeccable quality of the relationships I keep closest to me - but this time around - I do not miss any single part of the drug-like feeling of the app. Sometimes I use Pinterest for five minutes at a time here and there to save things that inspire me to paint my house, I post my BeReal to seven people every day, and keep up with texts and calls but in general find myself picking up my phone very little.
I believe that my willingness to heal from codependency has been what has helped heal the urge to be on Instagram even when I don’t want to be. I also used to think talking about Instagram addiction was really boring and then in 2018 I made a zine called : How a photo and video-sharing social networking service gave me my best friends, true love, a beautiful career, and made me want to die
It was around this time I saw that everyone was suffering, and I truly think many people still are - and it hasn’t become any cooler to talk about it. It hasn't become cooler to talk about the rules we make and the rules we break, the addiction to nothingness, the comparison to others, and the most pressing part in my opinion : the constant consumption of hundreds of people’s opinions and ideas on any given day (this isn’t natural!)
Today Marlee Grace, LLC made a post on Instagram. I didn’t log in and had someone else make the post and log on out. I won’t log in myself for at least the remainder of my time in Flexible Office (another month), if not longer. I have tried this experiment in the past where a virtual assistant posts on my behalf, but my need to control what was happening and have control over seeing and viewing comments, DM’s, etc made it even more unmanageable to communicate with someone else to post on.
Alas, I now feel so open, so easy, so free! So detached with love from this thing that once consumed my every living thought, corrupted my mental health, lowered my self worth beyond measure, and quite frankly took up hours of my day. I refuse to live this way anymore but, as fate may have it - I do love to use it’s little super powers. So I began to reframe the break and consider using the social networking app.
In Human Design I am a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor. Part of my design is that I am motivated by fear - so if something is scary to me - that usually means I should go towards it. The inverse of this is need - if I feel I NEED to do something it is probably incorrect. Another part of my design is that I have nothing to prove. How freeing for me! 2 All of this came into play when I was making my decision to "break" my rule of being completely inactive until April 7.
I felt myself SCARED to break my rule. What will people think of me? Will they be unimpressed at my attempts to be logged off? First of all I find people care very little about other people’s social media breaks. They may be interested in the lessons learned (hello you who are still reading) but the time frame or the original rules are irrelevant to anyone but the rule maker.
So - facing the fear, I decided to do it. Especially when the other side of the coin was need. When I thought - I NEED to keep my original commitment to not using the app - I knew it wasn’t the right reason to maintain the break. I feel strongly about keeping my own hiatus of another month of not logging in myself. But I didn’t feel like I “needed” to do it or else something “bad would happen” or I would fail at promoting myself.
I do however want to share the reasons why I decided to post, specifically about the class The Shapes of Our Offerings and performing with Izzy Johnson this weekend.
Being OFF the app has helped me feel INCREDIBLY grateful for my job. I feel lucky beyond words that I get to wake up every Monday and start my day in this space, turning my experience of the world into words. I love teaching so much it’s wild. I love accessing my many containers of creative expression and I feel like I was blessed with the coolest students and readers on Earth.
Which brings us to, the super powers of Instagram, or the super powers of the reach. I have 80k+ people who follow me there, tune into my offerings, and interact with the great digital bulletin board quilt that is THE GRID. While I thought it would be fun to experiment not using it to share about this class I was suddenly like, wait - I am missing this opportunity to reach so many more people to tell them about this amazing class I am so excited about! I am also performing with my dear friend Izzy this Friday in Detroit and wanted to tell the people about that too.
The other reason for wanting this class and my writing to reach many people is I have a new desire around earning that is so wrapped up into generosity and service that it was one of the first times I honestly admitted to myself - I want this class to make SO MUCH MONEY.
If you have been reading along since 2017 you know that making money may come easy for me but keeping it and holding it with reverent respect and maintaining it in the bank account is hard for me. But the list of how to make my five acres a queer utopian space for artists has begun to grow new legs and new visions with a big big list. Today I will share it with you.
I want to build :
An art gallery/public studio space that faces the road and can have art openings and events and workshops and be painted a beautiful blue
A pole barn in the back meadow for dance class
A farmstand with zines and books and records and jam and honey and wild flowers from the meadow
Two small cabins to host resident artists
A camper that is cute that other guests can stay in
A big tall fence for the dogs to play in
I want to plant so many flowers and vegetables
I want to add on a sick bathroom with a huge bathtub for residents to soak in
I too, will soak in this bathtub
So here is the thing - in order to build the meadow house quilt queer utopia of the Leelanau Peninsula - I will devote minimal effort with much devotion to the tools at my disposal to reach far and wide. To generate an income that supports me and the people who will rest and create and make beautiful things in this place and for this place, swim in the water, swim to the shore of everything good and holy.
I will refuse to let these tools divert my attention from the work at hand. I will not login because I don’t owe anyone a response, I have a public email address where I can be reached at any time, and on today’s post comments are open to all if you wanna get freaky and tell me how you really feel :)
There is a part in the literature of a certain book from a certain anonymous 12 step fellowship that talks about all the rules we make and then break when we try to quit drinking but aren’t ready. We drink beer instead of liquor. We try to only drink on the weekends, not drink in the mornings, only drink ON vacation, only drink OFF vacation, the list goes on and we negotiate until we are made crazy.
I promise to stay curious about my rules and if I am lying to myself about my sense of freedom, but today - I want the people to know I am ready to teach. I want my income to flow freely from the people to my bank account, knowing that that money is poured directly into the land and space that will serve for generations to come.
God willing in two months I will celebrate twelve years of sobriety, and I find that whatever this chapter I am in now feels like every one day at a time blossoming into a true and empowered belief in myself, my work, and the benefit of those things in the world. Today I will break my rule in service to the future of generative space making!
May we stay tuned in! May it be so!
💎 I’d love to have you in class - let me know if you have any questions!
💎 I have five spots open for creative advising this month, let’s workshop your newsletter or project you have been dreaming of!
Book a meeting with marlee grace
💎 I painted the interior doors, spray painted handles forthcoming
💎 Black Equestrians Want to Be Safe. But They Can’t Find Helmets. - NYT
💎 I find half caff in the morning coffee pot gives me less jitters, the same ritual, and a more even work flow
💎Conversation with Alexis Pauline Gumbs : On ceremony, wonder, and salt water situation in this week’s Our Medicine with
💎 Solo winter beach sunsets
💎 I love this photo I took of Allison and Katie
💎 Amazing episode of Las Culturistas
💎 My favorite boys made another smash hit
💎 Last week’s Friday Thread on the many shapes our offerings can make is so beautiful! SECURE ATTACHMENT AS A SHAPE! SKI TRACKS! CLASSES!
💎
this week is so good all about QUITTING
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⌇⋰ Email : info@marleegrace.space
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In the latest episode of Yes Yes I talk more about diagnosis and meds
I won’t give you a HD lecture because I am horrible at explaining it but - for many people the motivation is flipped (the would be motivated by need and go towards that) and DO have something to to prove! I’ll let you google that.
Your take on instagram is spot on. I finally got over it from a self respect perspective where I was letting my thoughts be dictated by random posts. Like if I want to see pictures of a national park, I can look them up. Otherwise I’m just letting my mind be hijacked. Lame!
Your openness around money, specifically about paying off debt ( the episode of moonbeaming with you was such a banger) has been a pivotal force in me having the motivation to face my own debt, make plans to pay it off and dreaming of what can be once that occurs! The sentiments of this news letter feel very related in that when we look at money through a different lens and as an extension of dreamscape building it is no longer scary and shameful, but just another element of this wild world we live in. Thank you for the transparency and example of what can be when we face money with honesty and without shame!