When our scars make us a quilt
When our scars make us a quilt
Trans bodies across space and time
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I woke up thinking about my non binary body, my non binary being. How it moves through the world, how it is perceived by others, how lovers may read me in a different way than I read myself. I find living in the woods where trans family is less abundant it can erase itself into the rural nature of a small town. This occasionally delights me, to be nothingness just like the wind or a fresh rainstorm. Other times the invisibility is so disorienting it feels easier to float above my body and become small in my self.
I spent the weekend in New York City, a place that in a few short days can fill my well back up with trans and queer joy that I so often miss in the life I choose in my little house in the meadow. Comparing fresh scars at the dinner table, sharing phone notes of our favorite terms of brotherly endearment, laughing at the ways we can look like ourselves and still be insisted upon as ladies by staff at a restaurant.
In my wildest dreams rural places are safe for all bodies. In my wildest dreams no one ever calls me Miss again. In my wildest dreams “she” could never roll off a tongue because it is so clear that what I look like doesn’t equal woman.
I find that cis people can get caught up in memorizing pronouns, instead of seeing the whole person as separate from their assigned gender. Of course we are socialized in a way to see two genders so the pronoun mess up isn’t the craziest thing on Earth. But to me it can also signal not seeing the whole person as non binary, which is different than just memorizing that someone uses they them pronouns. I don’t “use” certain pronouns or “identify” as non binary. I am non binary. And my pronouns are they/them and to those close sometimes he and to those closer he/him girlie.
When explaining my experience of being non binary it feels like I get to dress up as whatever gender I want, it is playful, it is fun. Most days I feel like a boy in the clothes I chose, the way I live and act. When I go to take a hot selfie I like to pretend to be a girl in high cut underwear. When I go to the coffee shop I am a skater boy. When I flirt I’m a boy but when I fuck I’m a girl. And in all the in between I am everything and I am nothing.
In the big city all my friends call me Cody, the name my parents choose for me if I was “a boy” at birth. When my mom explains being pregnant with me she talks about how she knew, without a doubt, I was a boy.
How strange that based on something between my legs they all shouted, it’s a girl, only to be fooled by time and spirit.
I find that people who aren’t sure can get clunky when they still call me Marlee or Mar. Mar feels good, Marlee feels like a dead name half the time but I still introduce myself that way. The other half it feels like how it has always been. Marlee Grace printed on tens of thousands of books in homes across the world feels hard to undo, and there isn’t a clear way of knowing if it’s the printing that stops me, the fear, or if I just love those two words together still.
In this little group in the big city everyone has a nickname, a shortened name, a new name, blessed with the right name for them at their emergence to Earth. A name both being a symbol of a new fabric but also the name not defining the otherness. No scars and no new names are just as trans as a whole new body.
To be trans is to be a quilt. Our skin stitched together, a whole room of wonky seams and waves of tissue. Chests pressed down under binders and haircuts to match our insides. Reading each other as boys when the world reads us as girls.
The great mystery of being non binary remains safe in the hands of chosen queer family. When the world doesn't see you, find the ones who do.
The latest from
from on digital spaces and addcition is such a good read, and at a few weeks away from celebrating 12 years sober I think so much about all of the other things I become consumed in
"In other words: we’re all addicts. It’s just we think the real, fucked up people are over there shooting tranq and fentanyl and dying on the street, not over here snorting skincare routines or TikTok to fill an unfillable void. This is a mistake.”A new Friday Thread is available to paid subscribers
I am so grateful I got to see
show in real life. The way it fills the space and the pieces speak to each other is so beautiful. It is up through June 10 and if you are in NYC I recommend you check it out
Thank you
for creating Books Are Magic and being a champion of my work and being the coolest bookstore ever - felt like a pilgramge to visit!
Message from: Books Are Magic [Smith St]
If Capricorns had a theme song it would be Rihanna’s “Work,” as they are known for their dedication, drive, and ambition. These are fitting characteristics for January as we start setting goals for the new year and getting down to business. But equally important to this wave of motivation you may have is balance, and no one does balance better than Marlee Grace. With genuine and highly practical advice gleaned from their own artistic, spiritual, and business practices (see for yourself at @marleegrace), take this little book and take it to heart as you get ready to slay this year. -Colleen
NEW BOOK COVER DROP FROM
Been listening to this on plane rides and it is SO GOOD
Gentle Reminder’s deck from
is STUNNING
I love Flexible Office so much. I changed some of the language on the homepage to better reflect my interest in all people having access. I’d love for you to join us. The April visioning session was recorded and available to watch anytime, and your first two weeks are always free. Thank you to Bear Hebert for helping me craft language around my offerings that reflect my values
FLEXIBLE OFFICE is sliding scale $11-22 / month There are a handful of free and discounted spots available each month in solidarity with marginalized members of the group who would benefit from financial accessibility. If you don't see them currently listed it is because they are available on a first come first serve basis and are currently full. This is a self selecting process and you are trusted to know your own finances and needs for access. Thank you to all members who pay within their means so that we may all create the space together You absolutely do not need to attend every time, come and go as you pleaseI loved this quilt I saw at the Brooklyn Museum
Being alive is such a wild ride, grateful as ever
A portion of April’s paid subscriptions goes towards the Social Justice Sewing Academy
⌇⋰ Website
⌇⋰ Email : info@marleegrace.space
⌇⋰ PO Box 252 Cedar, MI 49621
The way that I think about and talk about gender is specific to me and the real life community I find myself in. May you develop you own language of care and understanding for you experience outside or inside the binary. Many Blessings.
thank you Mar, needed these words
So much here to carry and digest. Thank you thank you thank you for this beauty