The sensitive heart
In a split second
Last week within a two minute time span I met my ex husband’s baby, walked by my part time lover, and shook the hand of a boy who suggested we go on a date. I shook his hand because it is a weird defense mechanism I do like yes I know you yes I know there could be physical intimacy here but if I shake your hand then I am protected against all rejection because a handshake implies this is not romantic. I do this with the lover. I did this with my ex boyfriend last year when I saw him for the first time after we broke up. I do this as a way to hold my energy space as my own. I don’t want to hug, I don’t want to feel the pleasure of our chests pressed against each other, I don’t want to embrace. So I go in for the handshake.
The handshake confuses people. It isn’t the social norm. We usually just go in for the hug. But my sensitive heart moves too quickly and as soon as we hug my defenses come down and I am not in the safe zone. My window of tolerance blasts away and I am left raw and uncovered and it’s too much to hold.
Meeting my ex husband’s baby was easy. Something I have thought about for many years - What would this be like? Would I be sad? Would I wish I had a baby? It was so easy, so simple, so happy, so perfect. To stand and dance with his wife, mom, and baby was all the healing I could have ever needed. A perfect quartet of love and one smooshy tiny creature to bring us all together.
My heart is sensitive these days. I seem to be going to the hardware store for milk and not only is there no milk there but if there was it is spoiled. Past the expiration date, no longer palatable to the tongue.
My flowers didn’t do well this year in the garden. The cosmos barely came up and the zinnias are struggling. On the side of the house I planted some sunflowers and they thrived. Five total! Last year the birds ate the seeds and this year they spared them. I trust they needed them last year and this year they knew I needed the flowers.
Walking June yesterday we came upon a huge deer. She stopped in her tracks, wanting desperately to run after it. I felt her animal desire through my own body as well. The excitement and the wanting to run toward something wild, even if it can hurt you.
I am running less today. I am pausing, in the light of discomfort and rejection I turn toward myself and what is steady.
I have never taken a month away from writing every week since 2017. I look forward to seeing how my mind tracks time without this weekly entry point into my own mind. I look forward to seeing how my book writing goes. I look forward to seeing what emerges.
Thank you for being a reader. It means the world.
CLASS ANNOUNCEMENTS
I am announcing a few classes earlier than usual since I won’t be online in the month of October. They are all available for you to sign up now if you so wish.
NOVEMBER :
11/2 : VISIONING SESSION in Landscapes
11/9 : BIPOC circle in Landscapes
11/16 :
11/23 and 11/24 : QUILT IN A WEEKEND
DECEMBER :
12/1 :
guest writer workshop in Landscapes12/14 : BIPOC circle in Landscapes
12/8-12/22 : Writing the Personal with special guests and
info@codycookparrott.com
PO Box 252 Cedar, MI 49621
Landscapes : A writing group for all genres
"wanting to run toward something wild, even if it can hurt you." 🖤
"The excitement and the wanting to run toward something wild, even if it can hurt you." - love this line and definitely can relate, especially as someone who has intentionally settled down but still craves chaos from time to time.