I have a deep desire to be understood, to be seen in a light as thoughtful and whole and compassionate. The older I get and the more bold I become in my values the more I find people do not like me. The more brave I get in sharing my messy process the more I disappoint people with not knowing enough yet. The more I become myself the more uncomfortable it is for me and others.
Staying the same is incredibly luxurious, a luxury I don’t feel we can afford but one we may desire and settle into. There is so much jarring in the changing, so much risk for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn to emerge.
There are different levels of disappointing people, conflict, and harm. There is a difference between someone saying my book is a “horribly edited piece of feminist trash” on Goodreads and being in a group of people and having my privilege get in the way of seeing the whole scope of something. There is a difference between bumming a friend out because I had to cancel plans and creating a pattern of distrust or codependency that needs to be carefully looked at.
I’ve been asking myself how to know the difference between disappointing someone and accepting that I don’t need to explain to them who I am or my side of the coin vs. when I have caused disruption in the flow of relationship and need to make an amends, check in, or shift my behavior.
I ask myself - what is the difference of letting someone just not like me and where is it worthy of digging in deeper together. How do I tend to an individual moment without defense and focus on the relationship and not over explain my side of the story.
This week I found myself in more than one situation of being terrified I was bad, unworthy of being a part of, and noticed my response of withdrawal and shutting down.
There is a gift hidden here, in the now knowing which way to go. There is a gift in getting in the ring with someone to say - I hear what you’re saying and even though I don’t totally agree with you I see that this isn’t personal, it’s not about me, this is about your pain and struggle.