I will not yearn
I will not yearn
Walking away from a good feeling
I no longer have a desire to yearn, to long for, to be in the mystery of what is actually known and clear. I no longer have a desire to be unmet in the tapestry of my fullness.
Years ago I made a flower essence at Lake Michigan with Lauren Giambrone and Adele Ball, two residents I was hosting at Center. We named it There Are So Many Ways to Love. Five years later I still write this sentence down everywhere as a reminder to step out of the hierarchy of the pair bond relationship, have crushes on my friends, consider colleagues as soulmates, and to not put a pressure on one true love to sweep me away. This bottle sits on my altar and writing the sentence on everything remains a practice of centering the heart towards spaciousness.
I find myself in a pattern of having crushes on people who are not available for dating. I find myself in a pattern of interpreting this as just needing to go slow, and matching the pace, when in reality there is no pace to match, it is a difference in desire. I have a desire to date, and the other person does not.
The question stands : What if first a friendship is built to see what wants to emerge. While I can agree to this I also want there to be a pathway to more - to touch, to experience, to shared possible outcomes. It isn’t being in the mystery if you know the other person doesn't want what you want, it is just delusion and yearning.
While I admired the generative crush practice I was building with another, I also found that the container didn't leave enough room for the way my heart was expanding toward her. This can create smallness in me, feelings of low self worth, and the beginning of an attachment wound flare up.
In my last long term relationship I let these feelings last for years, which lead me to a breakdown. I don’t recommend it. So now when I find that I am pursuing an unavailable person I have to really pause and ask myself : What is this serving?
It is almost always from a place of scarcity. The connection is so sweet and strong and there are so few people to date I will just wait. Waiting is no longer of interest to me. Going slow is, moving at a gentle speed, but how slow can you slow down to meet someone at nothingness? Or meeting at something that we name to say what it isn’t when what it is is romance. Can romance shift to friendship if the light of what could be is lingering too far ahead? I know that there is a different attention I give to someone I have an interest in dating. I want this attention to be protected, to be for the devoted and the ready.
It is almost harder to walk away when you do feel fully seen, cared for, and respected. Like there must be a way to stay in when there is so much left to explore. But when the possibility of love and partnership is off the table we are not singing in the same choir. The tune is off. We practiced different parts.
I turn my focus back to what was already here, the wider world, the bigger picture. I turn my focus back to myself, to my dog, to my inner mapping. Fleeting as touching in can be, I am always changed. Nothing about me is the same. I like it this way.
Pleased to share one of my favorite quilters and artists
started their own newsletter. I hosted themme here at Window Place a few weeks ago and we did some creative visioning around where their work could live. It is always the joy of my life to sit with artists and help them shape their creative ecosystems to see what comes to life.Thinking so much about Sonya Massey and how she should still be alive. Thinking a lot about how broken our systems are, by design, and how devastating it continues to be. The exact same age as me, her name is on my altar and I invite you to join me in redistributing to this official go fund me to support her family in this time. A portion of August’s paid subscriptions will go here.
The circus of electoral politics has my head spinning so I mostly try to tap out and focus on on the ground work.
Where Olive Trees Weep : FREE SCREENING This Wednesday July 31 at 5:30pm at the Traverse City Library : Where Olive Trees Weep offers a searing window into the struggles and resilience of the Palestinian people under Israeli occupation. It explores themes of loss, trauma, and the quest for justice
- just released a BEAUTIFUL chapbook of poetry Memory Lane and I cannot recommend it enough! They also lead the most brilliant workshop on creative mapping across modalities and bibliography in Landscapes - recording available now!
This one
I am excited for grad school to start :)
I am researching Michigan Quilt History and would love you to share your favorite Michigan quilters and quilt guilds with me - feel free to share widely xo
It has been the pleasure of a lifetime to host Mylène Parisot the past two weeks and I am sad to see her go tomorrow! She has been building a manifesto for a residency she is starting in France, drawing, being an amazing comrade, giving me a ladder tattoo, resting, dreaming, and luxuriating here at Window Place.
I would love to support you in the coming weeks with your own creative projects. You can book a 1:1 session here.
info@codycookparrott.com
PO Box 252 Cedar, MI 49621
Landscapes : A writing group for all genres
I loved reading this after last Monday’s letter. I identify so strongly with both pieces. The journey in a week’s time of being so enthralled with a crush to realizing that the situation is moving in a different direction resonated with me. As a recovering alcoholic and addict I find that those tendencies are often transposed in relation for me, and that I love to exert my will in order to mold and craft a narrative around another person and my feelings for them. In recovery I think a lot about yearning, it’s been a constant theme in my life as of late.
"how slow can you slow down to meet someone at nothingness?" wow💙💙