I saw my breath today

Summer was cruel

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Photo by Chloe Sells

Today I don’t want to write. Which isn’t the same as having nothing to write about. I wonder if a weekly commitment traps me into something that doesn’t always serve me or my practice. It is Tuesday not Monday. I ended up driving yesterday so I didn’t write as I almost always do.

It’s the meaning making. I don’t want to make meaning yet out of dancing every day and cold dipping in the magical creek and reconnecting with my friends and learning from my mentors at dance camp. The cleansing that happens when you swim in a river and how different it is than a lake. I don’t think my brain cells could even if I wanted to. There is something else happening where my mind is re-forming into what it wants to be next. It was so good though, the best thing ever. The best place to be.

So much is happening inside of my heart. I want to go on a date but I don’t want to date. I want to tell you how I dropped out of the Quilt Studies program and how I’ll go to grad school. I turned in the FAFSA information and going into more debt seems like a “bad idea” but I think I am learning that ideas aren’t good or bad. There are just a series of choices you make and then you die.

I also want to tell you nothing. Or I know I have to wait until a few things are more clear so that I can share them with clarity. Waiting for something to happen or the truth to emerge is slower than usual. The season creeps to a close with the same sluggish humidity it so carelessly heaved upon us. What do I write about when there is nothing to say? Hands moving on the keyboard is a practice I commit to anyways.

I just want everyone to take Quilt Class! That is where I’ll turn my energy to and I would love for you to meet me there in October.

I saw my breath this morning and was so happy. Goodbye summer! You were cruel.

So many things are almost there but not quite yet, maybe next week.

I think I am going to start letting myself be happy and telling people instead of thinking I have to stay miserable to be worthy of money and love. Breakthroughs of therapy. We’re peeling back new layers.

June is sleeping next to me and she looks so cute. She is dreaming. Not all dogs live but all dogs go to heaven.

I miss being called baby every day and the things you get when you date someone. The treat of attention. Calling in attention to the self. I only have five episodes left of Sex and the City but then the people tell me I have two movies and a spin off to watch.

Oh good news this Sunday we can all be together at The Artist’s Way Book Study meet up! It’s like a recovery meeting for freaks and weirdos but instead of substances we talk about art making and the breakthroughs we had. It is open to all paying subscribers of this newsletter.

It is at 9amPST/12pm EST Sun Sept 24 on zoom and the link is in this post - it’s ok if you have literally never even read the book but just wish you had. Show up and take a few minutes to share what you want and learn from others!

I hate the new website I made for myself this year. I love the colors. I miss the old one that was so simple and I felt like I could be anything. My new website makes me feel like maybe I am a business instead of a person who makes art. What is that? What does that mean?

I hope this newsletter shows you there are no rules to writing newsletters. You can just type and type and type and hit send. Isn’t that wild? The lack of rules.

I hope you are having a beautiful day. I am so glad I wrote!

xo Mar