I quit Instagram
Leaving a practice behind
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They say the unexamined life is not worth living
But what if the examining becomes your life
Is that living or just procrastinating?
- Carrie Bradshaw writing her column Sex And The City
Yesterday morning I woke up and knew I needed to log out of Instagram. Not just for a break, not just for a little bit, not until my next book is announced, but forever. I logged out of Instagram forever.
If you’re here and reading this it means you know how to find me. If you’re not reading this you might not be able to find me. If you know anything about retiring from something you know that you are allowed to come out of retirement. It is my intention not to do this, alas - I will let the experiment unfold as it does. But as of today I am no longer planning to use it as a tool, a place of practice, connection, or marketing.
I do not have a private account, a finsta, or access on my browser. No one else will check my DM’s, post on my behalf, or be able to approve newly tagged photos. I left my account up with the link to here, a note that I logged out, and had my bio list two books that I’ve written and this newsletter.
I took a sigh of relief, shared Pamela Anderson’s words from when she quit social media, told the people in my stories to subscribe to my newsletter, and logged off.
Let's hope you find the strength and inspiration to follow your purpose and try not to be seduced by wasted time. - Pamela Anderson
Perhaps this constant public processing of my relationship to social media is boring to you. I imagine this either means I am a mirror for your own unhappiness or you have no addictive relationship to the app. In either case I know I value seeing others publicly grapple with the benefits of reaching the people and what it takes from us - our sanity, our self worth, our pleasure, our sense of self, our sovereignty.
In 2018 I wrote a long form essay and published it as a physical zine called how a photo and video-sharing social networking service gave me my best friends, true love, a beautiful career, and made me want to die
This sentiment has remained true for the five years following self publishing this work. Nothing has changed, and if anything my addiction to the dopamine refresh has continued to get worse. No matter how many times I take breaks, ask my virtual assistant to post for me, make rules for myself - it has been exactly like my drinking was. I tried every single thing, every trick in the book, every app and life hack to make it make sense. Got the box that you have to wait til the timer goes off to lock it. Wrote a whole book thinking maybe then I would learn to stay off of it.
I also found myself loving the way I could express myself there, finding connections to other artists while isolated in a rural place and discovering new art. In many ways I am leaving behind a huge part of my practice, transforming my work into a digital medium to share to tens of thousands of people. To be witnessed, validated, and celebrated. Some of which was fulfilling and some of which left me insatiably unsatisfied.
Nothing seemed to outweigh the darkness. I just couldn’t put my phone down. No matter what I did. As soon as I would pass over the keys to the social media kingdom I would take them back, convinced only I could do what I needed to do there.
In 2010 into early 2011 when I knew I was an alcoholic but not sure how to manage my drinking I would try to drink only on the weekends, only homemade beer, only gin, only only only. I would always get drunk, blackout, and wakeup somewhere I didn’t recognize. The reality was, there was no managing my drinking. And while the outcome of overusing an app on the phone may not look as physically dangerous, what it has done to my attention, self esteem, and zest for life is just as dark as what alcohol did to me.
I remember this year on my 12th anniversary of quitting drinking thinking, is this even worth celebrating when my attention is so fractured from social media? If I can’t turn my attention toward what I love, is it worth celebrating still being alive? I do believe the answer is yes, but to have something test my feeling of emotional sobriety so closely lead me to start really thinking about my relationship to it yet again.
Artists make technology and digital spaces special places to be, and then those places turn against us. Or they weren’t designed for us in the first place. They are designed to keep us there for as long as possible. That is the whole point. To be an artist, a writer, an herbalist, a creative and thoughtful person - we are risking so much at the hands of the apps that keep us sucked in.
Yesterday I picked up this camper to host artists and guests at my home base in Cedar, MI and for most of the drive to pick it up me and Brenin talked about poop. Porta Potties, composting toilets, outhouses with pits, where to put the sawdust poop bucket when it’s done. I considered buying a hot pink porta potty and also decided this sawdust box is cute for a composting bucket toilet. Where to put the poop though? How much poop do I want to be hauling into a pit, into a compost pile? What if something bad happens (I don’t know what that thing is yet, but I am at least a little scared of poop) Yes I am open to your feedback on outdoor / off grid / water free toilet set ups!
When I bought this house on a few acres of land almost a year ago the vision was to start an artist residency, host writers and artists, and perhaps also small retreats. The camper is the first step in expanding places for people to stay, along with the garden shed we put a window in this summer and new roof on. It’s looking like this will be an extension / studio for artists staying in the camper.
Talking to my neighbor about poop felt so much better than being addicted to my phone. We lamented how Joni isn’t on Spotify but then it felt fitting, the quitting of it all. The quitting the systems that are no longer serving your art practice. We talked about all the ways to expand out on the land, where to put things, and how to host. The resources I have and how I want to give them back to the people as freely and lusciously as possible.
As I’ve been dreaming up this residency I thought - should I make a separate Instagram account for it? It was this question that pushed me towards a new truth, that I didn’t want a new project to live there, that I didn’t want any new projects to live there. I want to live here, on Earth, in my writing, in the sawdust pile.
Thinking about making the new account made me wonder - what is a project if it never has Instagram? What if it just happened by word of mouth, sharing it with other people’s audiences, and having its own newsletter. Flyers and pamphlets and yard signs. Billboards and brochures at the future farmstand.
Not a flower farmer yet but my flowers are looking good. I decided I don’t think I’m cut out for growing food, but I’d like to grow as many flowers as possible next year.
I am afraid of :
Not making enough money to stay afloat and chip away at my debt
Being totally irrelevant
Being single forever because I can’t find people to have crushes on
Missing out on what my friends are doing
Never getting another book deal
What I do have though is evidence that when I jump into the unknown before the outcome is clear I am rewarded. God rewards my swift leaps and swan dives into what is true for me. I am willing to risk dissolving into nothingness.
I will trust, in the most devotional of ways, that everything will find itself where it needs to. That my work will land where it is divinely designed to land.I look forward to feeling what it feels like to not try to manage something so unmanageable. To release all control, complete surrender, two of swords taking the blindfold off.
May we move swiftly when spirit strikes
🌼 Quilt Class is happening starting October 7 and the best place to be! Here are beautiful notes from AQISH alumni Carlee Latimer who says
Every session is recorded if you can’t make it live!“While the deep-dive into a new medium is kinda my m.o. this quilt stuff IS JUST DIFFERENT. I want you to know the seeds you plant and water in others' creative gardens are life-changing, practice-shifting, and hella important.
My friend
is writing a beautiful newsletter and I highly recommend you check it out. There is so much wisdom in her writing, and I am grateful to live on the same peninsula as her. Read her latest on watching her son get married and motherhood.This song
JUST LOOK AT HER
Pink theme continues with pants from MEALS
Piney Wood Atlas is taking another trip to explore residencies. Check out their website to see all of the amazing research and sharing they’ve done. You can also read an interview with me in the Midwest issue :)
I love my new bag from Pack Pack
I visited Looky Here in Greenfield, MA and left SO INSPIRED
The flowers I grew!
Ok I watched both movies and have moved on to And Just Like That - I’m on a wild ride. I think I am done being platinum and would like to now go the direction of the SJP blonde
🌼 Dear paying subscribers : The recording of our final zoom meet up for The Artist’s Way Book Study is now linked at the bottom of this email, enjoy!
I quit Instagram at the beginning of the year and it was a wonderful decision for my mental health. I still struggle with phone addiction to other apps but logging off Insta was the right first step. I wish we had more support/conversation around phone addiction other than “yeah we’re all addicted to our phones lol!” It’s brave of you to quit, especially as an artist, and also shows a deep trust in yourself that your art will still makes its way into other hands. Fun fact, I learned about you bc I randomly checked out Getting to Center at my library and fell in love with your work ☺️
I can't help but feel like this is where we are all eventually headed. Whatever is happening right certainly doesn't feel sustainable. I feel that places like Substack are just the beginning of a new era of internet. Still, I'm so fascinating by the wave of emotions that come up for me when I even just SEE someone else quit IG. This is a good reminder that we can be terrified and do it anyway.