I am thirty five and alone

My ex husband's wedding, SATC, and witnessing love

For the first time in my life I am watching the hit television program Sex And The City. As I sit and watch Carrie Bradshaw, a writer, have her 35th birthday single and alone surrounded by her friends, I am held by the timelines of the similarities that we share. Charlotte says Don’t laugh at me but maybe we could be each other’s soulmates. I sigh, yes. This.

Last weekend I had the honor of attending my former spouse’s wedding, an experience that is beyond words or this lifetime. To sit and to ask god - what might I say about this way of being alive? How might I share how seamlessly I can let love in while also wondering what it is I am missing?

Carrie looks at her friends on her birthday and says : I am thirty five and alone.
It is from this same place that I write.

From All Sides
by Bernadette Mayer

her hand's on her hip
she looks, maybe down 
the window trembles

she looks down while 
the window trembles 
but she's become a tree 
out of her head comes 
a tree that begins at the roof 
safest place to be is the past 

There is both everything to say and nothing to say. I was married once. We were married to each other. And then, three years later to the day, half a decade in, we got divorced under a tree next to the pool and ate Indian food for dinner, just like we had at our wedding.