Deactivation mania

How a flip phone didn't work

Photo by Cody Sells

Dear reader,

For the past week I have been glued to my phone. The tiny computer device in my hand that tethers me to the world and distracts me from what is right in front of me. The connection portal and the fractured attention cave.

I have tried everything. We know this. We have read my experiments, my frustrations, my quitting, then returning, going back to social media and walking away from it.

I am behind on school, behind on book writing, behind on correspondence with loved ones, behind on making money, falling behind any way I slice the pie of right now.

I tried to be gentle with myself, what a wild week to be a person. Especially if you have that bone in your body that says “I don’t want to mess up this moment”. So we consume beyond measure to see what the others are saying. To make sure we post the right inspirational quote, fundraiser, meme, book to read to get us through the news of another Trump presidency, continued genocide, and yet another great reveal of the systems that aren’t built for us to thrive.

And then there is my life in front of me. The life I have meticulously carved out to be abundant and beautiful. Slipping through my fingers because of the phone addiction. Or is it social media addiction? I couldn’t tell. So I drove to Best Buy and bought a flip phone then drove to Verizon where Tom helped me switch my phone over and then I made my way home which I was impressed I knew how to do without maps.

I immediately panicked. This was the end of texting. This was the end of voice notes and videos and all the ways I communicate with the outside world. Sure I would be able to survive without apps but without texting my beloveds? I had never felt so alone. Alas, I slept on it and woke up with utter clarity that this would not work for me.

I drove back to the Verizon store where Tom admitted he knew I would be back but had bet on at least a week. We turned my iPhone back on, immediately turned it to greyscale, and out the door I went.

Relieved and a bit embarrassed at my manic choices I spent the day tidying the house, catching up on school work, and taking care of myself in the ways I know how. By the end of the day it was clear that Instagram was bumming me out again. It always feels just like how they describe alcoholism in twelve step rooms. A progressive illness that never gets better. I always return from a break and feel like - yes! This is not so bad. And after a few months of use I feel the same darkness again.

This time though I knew I had to deactivate. Not a permanent deletion though believe me my hand hovered. But a deactivation. I have to not exist there to not exist there, it’s really the only thing that has ever worked.

I don’t feel “anti” social media these days as much as that specific app doesn’t work for me. I’d love for you to follow my Are.na page and connect with me there or on Sublime. I also love using Pinterest for mood boarding. But the constant barrage of reels and videos and information on Instagram has never made me feel more stupid. I can no longer comprehend even the most basic of readings. Attention split beyond measure. I am dedicated to healing this part of myself, even if it means having to try a hundred different things a hundred different ways.

As I write this my phone is on Brick mode from using the Brick App which has helped my phone use tremendously. Having it be able to block texts is so important to being able to write undistracted in the morning.

I need to communicate with my people, but I also need to be free. I want to believe that I can do both with my phone and today I feel like I can. With any addiction it is one day at a time, feels extremely uncool to talk about, and gets better when we tell on ourselves and share our stories.

The flip phone sits in the crazy room and I wonder if I’ll find my way back to it. I know there are other dumb phones that exist or are in the world that are a little better than a true flip phone - but I truly love my voice notes and my emojis and the way iMessage is set up, I don’t feel willing to give up that tool.

What I also know is that friendship, reading, and companionship heal this wound in me. This desire for connection, I am always just searching to feel less alone. Whether it is with compulsive spending, social media use, reaching reaching reaching for something. Prayer, hope, and nourishing relationships bring me back.

I am learning to stay with what is, to not believe the myth that my business can’t survive without social media, and to listen to my own truth, not the advice of others. More and more this past week has shown me how much I have to follow my own path and not wait for others to approve of it, understand it, or even support it.

I will keep making my own small moves, mighty as they may be. In service to myself, the collective, and as a wish back to god.

1. LET’S MAKE SOME QUILTS! Next weekend I am teaching THE POETICS OF SQUARES : A Quilt in a Weekend Sat Nov 23 + Sun Nov 24 12-4pm EST on zoom

   

   This class is so special to me and an amazing way to connect with others who want to rely on creative practice in this moment. To make a whole quilt! Or to even start one. This is a space we shape together through learning, resource sharing, and conversation while co working on our quilts.
   
   All you have to know how to do is sew a line on your sewing machine, I’ll show you the rest. Let me know if you have any questions :)
   

2. This very cool project in upstate New York needs our attention and support

   

3. Jos Charles’ A Year and other Poems blew me away

4. Yes I did read All Fours yes I listened to it as an audiobook yes my life is different now

5. Probably one of my favorite interviews I have ever done on the etymology and meaning of the word Landscape

6. This very simple podcast episode helped me as I am in some big financial healing right now! Would love to know your favorite money podcasts :)

7. A classic video but this week listening to James Baldwin talk about America calmed my nervous system. To listen to those who came before us point out what continues to be upon us, and how to pivot.

8. Part of the practice is returning to the practice by

   Nic Antoinette
   helped me a lot this week with my phone addiction and finding my way back to staying hydrated, meditating, and eating greens.

   Part of the practice is returning to the practice

9. Look About You officially comes out ONE WEEK FROM TOMORROW! But pre orders are already being shipped out! Order your copy here

   

10. Just picked this beautiful book up at Brilliant Books

    

Website

info@codycookparrott.com

PO Box 252 Cedar, MI 49621

Landscapes : A writing group for all genres

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