BOUNDARIED BLESSINGS
Saying no in the internet age
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Boundaries is such a vast word. The expansiveness of what it encompasses is almost as challenging as creating the boundaries themselves.
I spent the weekend in New York City and boundaries of the internet variety came up in almost every conversation amongst my friends, specifically those with public facing and student / client centered careers.
🪟🌷 INTERNET BOUNDARY LIST OF THINGS TO ASK YOURSELF :
🌼 Do you allow story replies on social media?
🌼 Do you open DM’s from strangers?
🌼 Do you respond to DM’s?
🌼 Do you read newsletter replies?
🌼 Do you respond to newsletter replies?
🌼 How long do you take to answer an email?
🌼 Do you ever block people? Exes, friends, trolls?
🏀 And the greatest question of all : do you tell people what your internet boundaries are and if so why?
I find that the more boundaries we share with those who may interact with us in person or on the internet the closer we are to self protection. I also think that there is assumed access on the part of others which sometimes leads me to actually not share my boundaries as an act of saying - Why would you assume I would respond? Read this? Be available to you? Where are these unwritten rules that require me to say otherwise?
For instance : Taylor Swift doesn’t post the rules to her Instagram page or how she will or will not interact with you in her DM’s or at her concert. To assume she would respond to your DM would be absurd.
So why do so many people assume that a stranger would respond to a personal message? If you have never met someone in real life whether they have 3 newsletter subscribers or a million - why do you we assume access to closeness?
My instinct is this about our desperate need for connection. Our desire for closeness, to say - I feel what you feel and you don’t have to feel it alone. Or, if I share that I have felt this then maybe I will no longer be alone. There is generosity in reaching out and attempting to find a landing place. However the consent often doesn’t go both ways. If I share something personal and you read it you have either subscribed, picked up my book, followed my social media account, or signed up for my class. I don’t request anything in return and even when I do I am not required to read, interact, or respond. No matter how much someone hopes I do. No matter how much I want to be liked and think I should. Sometimes the personal details of someone’s life shocks me and I think well - I guess I asked for this. And then remember, I did not.
I choose generally not to share what my boundaries are, because they are always changing, or because perhaps I like the idea of only knowing them myself. In this way, I don’t feel like anyone is crossing my boundaries in responding or reaching out - because sometimes I am inclined to engage. There are no rules and thinking there are rules means we have created them collectively and I never consented to those rules.
I also love when people share their digital boundaries really clearly. I read over Haley Jakobson’s the other day and what it reminded me of was my OWN permission to not engage. To hermit, to hide, and to never have to explain myself for those boundaries. To say no to the pull, even when there is no direct request for attention.
That is what I have learned this year - my boundaries around who I follow, block, unfollow, respond to, reply to, or not - require no explanation, no reasoning.
It doesn’t have to be “because I am grieving” or because I need time to rest or because I want to direct my attention elsewhere. These are amazing reasons, but it just comes down to :
SELF PROTECTION SELF PROTECTION SELF PROTECTION
I have never protected my serenity, joy, happiness, safety, nervous system, creative practice, self worth, or attention more than I have in the last three months.
The boundaries it has taken to do this has been extremely uncomfortable. To give up people pleasing is not a simple act.
The rewards are plentiful. The reward is a comfort within myself I have never experienced before now. The reward is expansive
May the transformation of self be cosmic in form and serene in action
Blessings to Brandi Harper, Jade Forrest Marks, and Tamara Santibañez - all of whom shared about and inspired me around my own professional and personal boundaries this weekend
I encourage you to make your own boundaries around what you will or will not engage with digitally. You can share these publicly as a spell and reminder, or keep them to yourself. But stay clear in what they are, so that you do not cross them. It is not when others cross our boundaries that creates the biggest resentment, but when we dismiss and do not honor our own.
PAYING ATTENTION TO :
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Just inhaled A Year Without a Name by Cyrus Dunham on the airplane and dreaming of all the versions of me that have yet to be revealed
Queer Lives and Art: Radical Textiles : Open Call for Artists Textile artworks that express LGBTQIA+ experience or allyship in London
The Deadstock Baggu collection is ASMR to my eyeballs, and … A QUILT!
This meme is me trying to finish my next book outline
Part 1 and 2 will be sure to keep you in the fierceness of action to protect trans kids
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Sarah Nsikak’s beautiful clothing and art
9. :)
10. Five books to read on Climate Crisis
xo mar
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